Pieces of Me
by tehPrincess
Summary: Collection of one-shot drabbles, Some FemShep/Kaidan Alenko -centric and some FemShep/Thane, spanning all 3 games. Some may interconnect. Heavy on the angst at the moment. Rated M for sensuality and smutty bits.
1. In Dreams

_A/N: 'In Dreams' was originally posted here all by itself, but after writing 2 more Shenko-centric drabbles in the space of only a few days, I decided it might be good to compile them all here. This is essentially going to be a collection of femShep/Kaidan related one-shot pieces. From time to time I may throw in some FemShep/Thane, or, possibly FemShep/James if that's alright with everyone. I've got 3 Sheps that like to pick at my brain, and while this first piece could be about any one of them, I had my main paragon Shep in mind when I wrote this. I may adjust the rating if I get into naughtier fic later on (which tends to happen with me)._

_Description: Small little oneshot during the second game. Shepard misses Kaidan so much that at times, she thinks he's actually there._

_Warnings: none._

* * *

**In Dreams **

The darkness is broken by the backlight of fishtanks, throwing the rest of the room into shadow and adding blue highlights to his ink black hair. He walks on silent feet, making his way with slow determination toward the bed and the sleeping woman within.

She sleeps fitfully, her brows drawn together in a frown above her closed eyes, thick lashes resting like feathers on her smooth cheeks. Despite her restlessness, she looks younger in repose.

Eyes drinking in the sight of her, he crouches down, bringing his left forearm down beside her on the bed and resting his chin atop it. He reaches out with his right hand, wishing to soothe the lines of worry, to caress the bare shoulder visible above the edge of sheets and blankets.

Brushing her cheek with his palm, he whispers her name.

Eyes flying open, Shepard sat up, clutching the covers to her chest. But like every night, he isn't really there.


	2. Reflection

_A/N: This one was written shortly after I finished a run in ME3 with Storm, my renegade femShep (who ended up a bit of a paragade, by the end). _

_Description: This is just a single thought that wouldn't let go, about renegade Shep dealing with the physical evidence of her morality (again, I wrote this about Storm, but I like writing PCs open enough for people to imagine their own)._

_Warnings: Sensuality (if you squint) and angst._

* * *

**Reflection**

Shepard resisted the urge to shy away as Kaidan's warm fingers brushed her face, smoothing down the side of her cheek as his dark brows met over intense eyes.

"Does it hurt?" he whispered, his breath fanning her skin.

She tottered between shame and anger, a quick denial ready to pass her lips.

The marks on her face were a constant reminder of an unspeakable event. They embodied the unknown, crawling just below the surface. The dark truth was that she couldn't really know what had been done to her. She was a subversion of science, her mere existence due to a black organization that did nothing but pervert the natural order.

That moment, while she'd struggled to come to terms with what had happened, lost time and friends, for ever branded into her flesh. She'd felt alarm as the first glimpse of her appearance had revealed the cracks, standing before the small mirror over the sink in her cabin. Pain had followed, as she struggled to adjust to the unfamiliar. The face looking back at her was not her own. The scars on her upper lip and brow were gone. Her eyes looked haunted, with flecks of red about the irises. This new face was something foreign, her skin seemed stretched and damaged, reminding her of the streets on earth, weeds pushing up through the concrete, desperately trying to hide the ugly surface, the dirt, and the misery.

Nobody had ever asked her about it, outside of Dr. Chakwas's clinical comments. She'd never caught anyone looking closely at them, people she'd met for the first time didn't seem particularly startled by them. Whenever she caught flashes of herself on the vids, they hadn't seemed noticeable.

But when she looked at her reflection they were all she could see.

What had once seemed barely there had become darker, shadowing her eyes. And now and again she'd feel the bitter bite of fear at the sight of them.

She told herself she liked that they added to her fearsome appearance. But for this one man, she wanted to be beautiful.

"Sometimes," she said softly, allowing her lashes to flutter shut as he cupped her face in both hands, pulling her into his kiss.

He was all wrong for her, too good. She was unclean, he made her wish she was something more. He said he knew what she was, that he understood. Selfishly, she couldn't keep herself from him. She needed him to keep her strong, to keep from losing herself.


	3. Pieces of Me

_A/N: My Shep #2, colonist, soul survivor background (so she's no stranger to loss). She romanced Kaidan in ME1, then fell head over heals for Thane in ME2.  
A lot of these are just me trying to work out my issues with things that happen in the game. Forgive me if it came out jumbled, or looks more like poetry than fic._

_Description: Directly following the Cerberus Citadel Coup attempt. _

_Warnings: Angst._

* * *

**Pieces of Me**

Shepard let her words sink in, stepping outside the moment as something cold blew across her thoughts.

_She'd wanted to take him back to the pre-fab home she'd left behind on Intai'sei. She could see them there, bathing in the heat. Someplace arid. "A desert," he'd said, hoping to hold back the inevitable. Just a few stolen days, to just love and be._

_But time had run out. __Too much had stood in the way of happily ever after._

_The pain of his absence fed on itself as her reeling mind registered the permanency, then, quickly, blocked the agony, numbing it out._

_Every time she looked back on his face and tried to remember, she would lose a slice of her life. Soft lips and whispers, clutching at the memories of the moments that were far too few. The wonder of him, and the impact he'd made in so short a time._

_It would be over, someday. It had to be. A soft landing awaited them both, destination set to a place she'd never again go. No regrets, leaving nothing behind._

Now, standing outside _Normandy_'s airlock, looking up into dark brown eyes, she felt her heart break for the second time that day as she sent Kaidan away. She was finished losing the people she loved.


	4. Dream

_A/N: If PWP isn't your thing, feel free to skip this one. I guess I knew I'd get into writing pr0nz sooner or later. To be fair, though, this was actually done by request. For lilchickadee on LiveJournal - love you, bb. Also, inspiration to write this is all on account of Sbarge's tweet about more voice work for ME3 that he posted on friday. This makes my brain very happy._

_Description: Spectre Kaidan kink following Shep's last hospital visit, when he's up and already accepted the position from Udina._

_Warnings: smut. Sensuality and sexual content. Not nearly as graphic as I usually get, though._

* * *

**Dream **

Shepard tossed in her sleep, traces of voices and faces pulling at her like a riptide in a black sea of confusion and fear.

Alone and adrift, she felt someone reaching for her, a warm hand soothing over her brow.

Slowly opening heavy eyelids, she saw Kaidan standing over her bunk, like she'd last seen him, intense, healthy and whole, vital.

Before she could say anything, he set a knee on the bed, climbing in beside her.

The desire to speak slipped away as his arms came around her, his body settling over hers as their lips met in a fiery kiss.

His weight was wonderful, pushing her down as he overwhelmed her senses with his taste and smell.

His mouth fed on her, coaxing a response that had been waiting for far too long.

She clutched at hand fulls of his hair, hearing him whisper, "Shepard" as his hands traveled down her sides, over her hipbones, then back up her ribcage.

She shuddered as he roughly squeezed her breasts through her top. Her body reminded her that it had been well over two years. She felt an ache in her belly as he fingered the zipper on her N7 hoodie.

He freed her from it, his teeth scraping down the right side of her neck.

They both rushed to bare her flesh, discarding the clothes she'd fallen asleep in until she pressed naked against his clothed form.

His mouth recaptured hers, tongue sinking deep as they strained together.

She was so ready, and all he'd done so far was kiss her. Pushing her hands under his t-shirt, she felt the heat of him, hard shifting muscles and fascinating skin. She tugged roughly at his garments until he understood her need to feel him against her. Working together, his clothing melted away.

She wanted to take it slow, to savor him, as she had in countless daydreams, but he wouldn't be denied. He crushed her bare breasts to his chest as he entered her swiftly, his breath catching on a deliciously masculine moan. His huffing breaths came out sounding pain-filled, grunts that stirred something primitive and sharp within her.

She longed to look into his eyes, to drown in his dark depths, but he refused to release her mouth. He held her so tight, like he was afraid to let her go.

Sensations built upon each other as he swept her up in his rhythm, his urgency feeding hers until she felt frantic with it.

Clutching at his shoulders, she felt her thighs tense and her belly quiver as the universe exploded, bright lights overcoming all awareness.

Love and hope overpowered everything else as, at that moment, she realized that she held everything she'd ever wanted.

* * *

The comm on her desk beeped, indicating a new incoming message. As Shepard struggled to shrug off the arms of sleep, awareness flooded her senses. She'd had another one of _those _dreams. But what had followed after was something she desperately needed, something beautiful to look forward to.


	5. Intermission

_A/N: Now with 100% less Kaidan. I... hope that's okay. I'm sure there will be more Shenko here soonish. But I wrote this and I wanted a place to put it, so._

_Description: Garrus and Shep with implied femShep/Thane, directly following the Cerberus Citadel Coup attempt (as you can see, I'm a little hung up on that part of the game at the moment). _

_Warnings: drunkenness and angst._

* * *

**Intermission **

Garrus slid the newly polished scope back along the Viper's stock, hearing the satisfying click as it locked into place. He didn't look up from his work as the intercom beeped.

"Yeah, Garrus?" Joker. "Um... just got a high-priority message from C-Sec. Seems they'd like us to retrieve the Commander from Purgatory." Even over the speaker, it was easy to detect a laugh in the pilot's voice. "Something about her not being able to find her land legs."

Garrus straightened from the work table. They were still docked at the Citadel and Shepard had yet to return to the ship following the scene with Udina and Lt. Bastard Kai Leng. He was pretty sure that Vega was currently on the station, but they all had orders to give each other space, and it wasn't surprising that an addled Shepard would ask for him before anyone else. "I'm on it," he said, moving through _Normandy_'s main battery door.

He sighed heavily as he rode the lift up to the CIC. Humor warred with pity inside him as he considered the situation that awaited him. Shepard was tough. She'd get through this, just like everything else.

A few short minutes later he'd arrived at the bar, the doors opening with a hiss as a synthesized voice announced his destination. He moved past long lines of people, a veritable melting pot of potentials from every conceivable race and culture. Beneath the club's thumping bass and shouting patrons, he saw her, surrounded by four uncomfortable-looking men in C-Sec blue. Even through the dim lighting and clouds of smoke from various substances, the outraged expression on Shepard's face was obvious.

"You have any idea who you're messing with? I'm a COUNCIL SPECTRE. Bailey's my BRO. I'll have you all working TRAFFIC."

Garrus felt a grin pull at the corner of his mouth despite himself. "I'll take it from here, gentlemen."

He took her upper arm, helping her to steady herself, while still allowing her to retain her own balance. He led her away and she seemed willing enough to follow.

"This is _so_ dumb," she said, blowing pieces of hair out of her face with a big puff of air. "Who the hell are they to cut me off? I'm still thirsty." She paused a moment to look over at him, waiting until they'd entered the elevator before she tried to speak further. "Thanks for coming for me," she said, not sounding half as tough anymore.

"You know me, Shepard. I didn't want to miss out on anything interesting." He let warmth color his voice as he looked at her moist eyes. "And besides, I'll always come for you."

She smiled wistfully, turning to face him. She laughed, a somewhat awkward exhalation of sound.

Garrus felt his chest tighten as her face fell.

Tears quickly streaked her cheeks and her small, perfectly aligned teeth sank into her lower lip. "He's really gone, isn't he?" she asked, sounding vulnerable in a way that made his heart ache.

"Yes," he said simply. What else could he say?

She was crying openly then, her shoulders slumping under her Alliance fatigues. "He was such an amazing person," she whispered.

He reacted then, needing to lend her some of his strength. Pulling her against his side reassuringly, he said, "I know."


	6. And miles to go before I sleep

_A/N: This piece was written as my part of an exchange for a friend, a result of the prompt "Kaidan notices that FemShep is distraught after the attack on Thessia and her failure there and comforts her." Credit for the title goes to Robert Frost._

_Description: ME3 Shenko comfort fic, takes place post-Thessia._

_Warnings: none._

* * *

**And miles to go before I sleep **

Crushing defeat warred with panic inside her, the dark emotions like a black monster threatening to swallowing her whole. She fought to shake it off, reminding herself that she was tougher than that. She wouldn't give in to despair.

She felt like she's had a solid plan of attack from the very beginning, expose Saren, find the conduit, stop Sovereign, defeat the Collectors, unite the galaxy, and destroy the Reapers. Ambitious, surely, but a _plan_, a stable foundation to stand upon.

Now, it was like the rug had been yanked out from under her feet. There was nothing left but to wait and worry, and she found herself entertaining, for the very first time, a frightening thought.

_What if we fail?_

Shepard's step was heavy as she all but stormed through the ship, the crew deck echoing with the sounds her boots were making on the cold metallic floor.

They were grasping at straws, heading back to a planet that still bore memories of failure and loss.

They hadn't really talked about Horizon. Suppress and move on, the Major's M.O., a comfortable way of _not_ dealing. Forgiving something and forgetting it were two entirely different things, but if not discussing a given topic meant not fighting about it, then she supposed that she was more than willing to play along.

She'd been there before, with Garrus and a mission, and to say it hadn't gone well would be a massive understatement.

Reaching her current ship destination, the one she'd been after without consciously knowing it, Shepard looked over the shelves in the lounge stocked with non-alcoholic beer and ginger ale. _Right._ Shepard remembered. _Normandy_ was an Alliance ship now, and that meant _no more booze._ She sighed heavily, wondering how she was supposed to while away the hours until they reached the Iera system.

To investigate. Because that was all that was left of a well-laid plan.

You could try to tell yourself it was pointless to worry about things that you can't change. But she was having trouble convincing doubt and stress that they were subject to her laws, and therefore things that could be ordered away.

She wanted to beat her head against the wall.

Instead, she stretched out her hands, popping her knuckles as she considered heading down to the shuttle bay to ask James if he wanted to spar. Turning on her heel, she went back out and into the hallway, and was just in time to see Kaidan step through the doors from starboard observation.

* * *

She was worried, you could see it in her face. Her brows were drawn together and he caught just a hint of little white teeth where they sank into her full lower lip.

"Kaidan," she said, the word sounding like a thousand questions asked all at once. "Where you off to?"

He spent most of his time in the same room, sure, it was comfortable and unused by most of the crew, leaving it quiet and relatively private, with an obscenely large window that allowed him the luxury of staring out into the black, the spaces between stars that were largely unmapped. But he'd made an effort to try to get out and explore the whole ship, so familiar and yet so foreign, sprinkled with a mix of new and old faces.

"I was... on my way to find you, actually."

"Oh." She looked mildly surprised by his admission. "Did you need something?" He wanted to reach out, touch her hand with his fingers, but she shoved her hands into her pockets, as if she'd read his mind.

"Well, no, not exactly. I was, when I found you, going to ask you if you wanted to talk."

She jumped on to the wrong part of his answer. "Well, where were you planning to look?"

He felt a smile pull at his lips. She was going to avoid his offer to "talk", it was obvious. "Well, first I'd probably have checked where I saw you last. So, the war room. Next, I would have checked with Joker on the bridge."

"What if you couldn't find me, what then? There's a lot of hiding space on this boat."

He laughed. "I've seen the pit under engineering. I might have checked there."

"And if I wasn't there?"

"I'm thinking you'd have to be somewhere. You can't really jump ship, there's only so many places you could go."

"But how would you find me?"

"I could ask EDI."

"_That _would be cheating," she said, matter-of-factly, as if dismissing the very idea.

"So you've seen everywhere there is to hide on the ship. How about the captain's quarters? Seen that yet?" she asked. Looking up at him, she watched as he shook his head in response before reaching out and grabbing him by the arm. "Come on, I think it's past time I show it to you." She hit the call button for the elevator. "I've had everyone else up there at one point or another. Almost."

_Everyone? _He felt his brows draw together as he asked, "Garrus?" He wasn't sure why, but he wanted to know if her best friend, her shining knight, had been among the many to share a closeness with her that he was still struggling to achieve.

She grinned as they entered the lift. "No. Not yet."

When they got to her cabin, his eyes strayed all over, taking in her personal space. Nothing was as he'd imagined it would be. "Nice. It's definitely roomy. And different. You've got pets now."

"Mmm-hmm."

His explorations drew up short at the intimate sight of her bed. "Shepard. I, uh, thought maybe you might want to talk. About what happened down there."

She sat down on the couch, not meeting his eyes. "I've already talked. To the asari Councilor."

He winced, imagining how that debrief had gone.

"Then to Liara. Joker and Garrus. I don't really want to talk any more. And I'd really, really like to not think about it, either."

He sat beside her. Turning toward her, he lifted one of her hands, linking their fingers together. "Do you want me to leave you alone?"

In answer, she leaned forward, resting her head against his shoulder. "No. I... just..."

He let his free hand slide through her hair, allowing her to settle herself against him.

No talking, no thinking, he just held her there, behaving himself, until he realized she'd fallen asleep against him. Sometime later, he lost his own fight with consciousness, drifting off in the hope that her dreams were good ones, and that he'd meet her there.


End file.
